Why I am writing this? May seem of no relevance to anyone, but to me it has a great deal of importance. When I'm old and gray up there (already a few) and my memory tends to fail me (it already does) it would be nice to refer to what I went through before I give advice to someone else. We human being tend to forget what we faced when we went through some process. Once you complete something it seems sooooo easy. Achievement and good memories tend to drown the hardships and the bad. A roller-coaster ride probably illustrates this fact really well; you are not sure whether you wanna get on it, but then you make yourself, it's still scary but now it's too late you're already strapped in (still you can make a big fuss and get off), then it starts off (now you have no options left), the ride is windy with a lot of ups and downs and sometime it stops and next minute your life is turned upside down, it does not seem to end, and finally when you come to the end of it all, you tell everybody who asks you "Maaan! (excuse me womaaan!)... you have to get on it, it was fun... (what a lie)".
Beyond this point it may be boring.. but read on if you please.
It's not long; just 2 1/2 months since I started my doctoral studies. I had this clear idea what I wanted to do when I came over here. My first meeting was with my supervisor was 2 weeks after I arrived in a cold cold frozen land in the northern part of Sweden (just 500 km south of the arctic circle). I had a research plan .. this this this.. is what I wanted to do, but then suddenly there were flaws in it. My research is based on two totally different science and now there was this conflict brewing between the two. Any way it was realized that I needed to make this transition from this "IF-THEN-ELSE positivist" person to a more "INTERPRETIVE" person. Well with 20+ years of "positivist" way of thinking it was like picking me up by my legs, turning me up side down and shaking me till all the loose change in my pockets fell out. But since I knew my goals it was not too hard (but in no way easy) for me to get over the shock. In fact I had to call my wife, and three or four friend to get over it.
Well anyway did manage that, and after weeks of reading and brushing up came up with this nice research plan which my supervisor and of course myself agreed upon and also was very happy with.
Research is a lot about reading and coming up with ideas (and sometimes just tucking your head under the pillow and trying to sleep, hoping your mind would stop thinking) and seeing how they fit into the bigger picture. I think this is where the researchers ego come into play;
- Sometimes there were parts of my research already being investigated by someone else. That is not very fun, since I was feeling that someone was stealing my research away from me. And trust me male ego (I don't know to comment about female ego - and I usually keep far far away form gender issues) does not like that very much. I was wanting that research to go away, disappear, but then reality strikes and ok! "so it is not going to go away, so live with it".
- Then there were time I needed to change my approach since someone else found that the approach I was using was not the best. Well to be honest I don't know weather this is what I felt, the first time I had a discussion with my supervisor. Hmmm! I think so, but then there were so many emotions and stuff going through my mind, and a total change to my approach and way of thinking; I can't be certain. Any way when it comes form your supervisor it is not so hard to take, but when in it comes form someone you do not know 5000 miles away, you do not want that person to exists and you wish and try to find ways to prove them wrong. But if you fail it strikes you again. Ok! "so it is not going to go away, so live with it"
- Next there is this battle, which I don't think I have still faced. I just thought about this and found that there may be a possibility that I may need to change or at least deviate from my initial deliverables since someone proved they were not the best or there were better ones already. Probably this happens when you have a pet project or something you are bias towards and requires change or needs to be gotten rid of. Thank god I still did not have to, and I hope I never have to :-).
- Finally the most nagging issue is when I needed to change my goals and approaches, when my own reflections and thoughts were proving that my goals were wrong or not the best (notice the "not the best" - see my point? my ego does not give up easily). This is the worst case scenario. Here is were my uphill battle is the hardest. My ego does not fight someone else, but it fights me. This is when I can catch a syndrome called "excuscitis" (no don't look it up, it's not in any medical journal, it is decease that make people give excuses). I try to give excuses to keep my research plan unchanged and alive. I think I'm going through this phase, so will sort myself out and keep you posted.
1 comment:
I find your post interesting specially towards the end. You really are explaining the pshchological conflicts that we face when we go more into the crux of the research that we intend to do..
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